It was the day I realised just how much I care about you that I lost you to someone else also dear to me. It was a bright, slightly chilly morning and we had had breakfast in town. We were walking hand in hand, fingers intertwined. Your fingers were cold, I raised your hands to my lips and blew warm air on them before trying to rub warmth into them. You laughed and kissed me when I got decidedly frustrated because your hands stayed cold despite my best efforts. You slipped your hands under my jacket and those wicked fingers found their way to warm skin making me break every contact we had with a truly undignified squeal. 'We' were new, not many knew of us and what bothered me the most, my twin sister did not yet know. I left your company with a laugh to get some coffee with her. There, I was forced into a situation that was much like the Spanish Inquisition. Yet I was so happy, that it did little to phase me. You asked me what made me so happy. I told her that it was because I was with her and then faltered slightly before I shyly told her about you and me. I was awaiting for the excited voice of her exclaiming how perfectly wonderful and amazing that was.
But instead, she was quiet. And lifting my eyes I looked at her, and saw that she had a stony expression that was void of all emotion except for some sort of betrayal. I was taken aback by her sheer expression, but then she spoke and told me you were her crush. I paled, and every single piece of happiness I had felt, left me. I fidgeted and I wanted to find a whole and die. I asked her what I should do. She was quiet. I asked her if she wanted me to leave you so that she could have you. She still didn't say anything, but I didn't continue talking. I wanted an answer to that question. And by her long silence, I knew she was battling herself. I was hoping she would say no, that she could just this once give me happiness. She also knew I'd do anything for you, even if it meant leaving you. She was still silent, and I felt the anxiety start its perilous rise. My hands were trembling slightly, and when she finally spoke I felt the floor drop out from under my feet. "You have until tomorrow," she said, rose and left.
I sat there for a while, the coffee in my hand growing cold. I threw away the cup and began to shuffle my way to your room. My breath was coming shorter, my whole body was starting to tremble as I tried to think how could I cope with leaving you. I knew I couldn't survive with the knowledge of losing every single intimacy you and me had. I knew I couldn't lose you, I'd lose myself at the same time. But for her, I would do anything. I broke down into sobs in that realisation, and finally reached your dorm. Did you know, your door is always open? I collapsed on your bed, pulling your pillow to my chest and not caring that your roommate was in there. He stood up and ran off, for what, I do not know. All I knew was that I felt like I was suffocating because I was breathing so fast. I hugged the pillow close to me, breathing in your scent as I felt my body start to tremor and then go rigid, hurting me. I sobbed, I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't stop, and my eyes were wide open with fear as tears fell from them. I couldn't sob anymore either, all I did was breath was and whimper at any point given. And then you came.
Your hand was soft, warm and soothing on my back as you sat beside me on the bed and gently pulled me into your arms, whispering sweet nothings. I whimpered as I snuggled close to you, brathing in your scent and feeling every tension in my body leaving me slowly but surely. And finally, I was breathing normally once again but still sobbing agains your shoulder, fingers clinging onto your shirt and I knew I never wanted to let you go. I couldn't, I wouldn't, but I just had to. I drew in a shaky breath as your hand begun to rub my back soothingly again and you lulled me to a deep, dreamless sleep. I fell asleep warm, safe and comfortable, and I wandered what would happen to me when I lost all of this. You woke me up with gentle kisses, and made me feel wonderful, cared for and exquisite. We made love, not the usual rutting, but you made love to me and reminded me of everything beautiful that had happened. When we reached completion together, I sobbed. You asked me what was the matter, I told you they were tears of joy. And I broke inside just a bit more.
We took a shower, you came with me and washed me with every piece of tenderness that broke me even more. I cried once again, and I cried even more when you towel-dried me, and I was asking myself what the hell was wrong with me as I pulled on my clothes, the tears not stopping even then. You were becoming worried and there I stopped my tears. I sat on your bed, and before the rising anxiety could once again take over me, I voice out what was inevitable, I had, after all, promised Sidney. "I'm leaving you, Jojo," I said and finally I shattered inside. You were quiet and asked me to repeat myself. I couldn't. You were quiet, waiting, before you asked me why. My hands were shaking so bad now, that I had to clasp them together to hide it from you. I couldn't answer you and a tear slipped from my eye. You told me to leave and I got up, but nearly tripped because the tremors were going to be knees already. And I knew I was shaking visibly now, but you didn't even help me regain my balance, just watched me leave and then you closed the door and locked it. It finally broke the damn and the sobs tore through me, and I stumbled blindly into my room, hugging my knees and anxiety once again washed over me.
I haven't talked to you since. It's meen two months, and I haven't laughed. I cannot recall the last time I've smiled a true smile. I see you with her, and it tears me apart every time. I haven't talked to her either. I've tattooed nearly the whole expanse of my back, just to feel something else than the emptiness. I have the word 'broken' tattooed on my back, but it's missing the 'n'. Villi has refused to tattoo me anymore, because he knows that when the n is done, there is no reason for me to stay in this world. And Villi loves me, I know he does, and he cannot give me my death sentence. He could not bear with it. So I just sit alone everyday, watching you two as I feel myself withering away into nothingness. I do not speak to anyone anymore, I have just a few friends and even they do not understand me. I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel and I want to just fade away.
Because if there's room for you and me,
then there's all the more room for heartbreak.
- Kirjaudu tai rekisteröidy kommentoidaksesi
